Luby’s Holiday Hold Message
(Imagine the gruff voice of the old man from Whataburger)
Thank you for calling Luby’s Holiday Call Center. We are currently experiencing a high call volume. Please wait for the next available Luby’s representative. Or go online now and place your order right away at lubys.com.
If you don’t want to host a holiday gathering at your home or if you have a few extra hundred dollars lying around and the casinos have cut you off or you’re the loneliest old person on earth, come to Luby’s on Thanksgiving Day. We’ll be serving up a full feast with all the fixin’s. And we’d be happy to have you join us (and the other 500 losers who smell like sick cats and old newspapers).
We’re sure our holiday menu will delight everyone this season. We'll be serving straight from our industrial sized tubs into to your belly. To help you with your holiday order, here’s a quick rundown of our holiday feast selections:
First, the Luby’s Signature Feast features your choice of a whole turkey—roasted, smoked, frosted or deep-fried—or a spiral-sliced ham butt from Hogzilla for 1 to 2 large country people in forgiving overalls. Pile on two quarts of cornbread dressing, one above-the-ground pool of giblet gravy, one gallon of cranberry sauce, and for dessert, one pumpkin pie and (we stress the word and here) one of Luby’s famous pecan pies. Plus a trash bag full of poultry parts from miscellaneous processing facilities around the country, all-you-can-eat banana pudding (VOID in Nebraska), one bath tub of macaroni and cheese with pork feet parts in it, a lawn & leaf bag full of Funions™, a two gallon can of bacon renderings, a couch size loaf of corn bread and 30 sleeves of Keebler’s Deluxe Grahams as an après dessert!
Our next package is perfect for families who love both turkey and spiral-sliced ham during the holidays but are too cheap to flip the bill for the Signature Feast. We call these our tier two patrons. Our Combination Feast (or the “2nd rate deal”) features enough spiral-sliced ham and roasted turkey breast for 10 to 12 people (sliced sparingly and Jesus is dining with you and those people are from 3rd world countries without access to whole milk) and also includes two quarts of cornbread dressing, one pint of giblet gravy, one pint of cranberry sauce, and for dessert, one pumpkin pie with a bite taken out of it or (we stress the word or here) one of Luby’s famous pecan pies with all the pecans picked off the crust.
For those who prefer prime rib, the Luby’s Premium Feast is roasted prime rib for 10, along with two quarts of homemade mashed potatoes and fresh green beans. Plus sautéed mushrooms, au jus gravy, one dozen Luby’s dinner rolls, and one strawberry cheesecake. This package is specifically designed for those annoying dysfunctional families who have to celebrate every holiday non-traditionally. They have those ugly houses that look like post modern office complexes with crappy formalist art in the yard. They go to the movies instead of celebrating Christmas or Chanukah and they turn their porch light off at Halloween, bastards!
And last, for the smaller gathering of 1 to 2 people, our Select Feast (obviously you were not "selected" to be on anybody's guest list) features your choice of roasted turkey breast or spiral-sliced ham, and includes cornbread dressing, giblet gravy, cranberry sauce, and one pumpkin pie or Luby’s famous pecan pie and a Dr. Phil’s self help book to assist you in overcoming what ever personality defects you posses that would cause no one to want to be around you during the holidays. You are an asshole.
Don’t forget, our holiday menu also features many a la carte selections, from whole turkeys and spiral-sliced hams, to quarts of festive sides and pounds of sliced meats, to our mouth-watering whole desserts. When planning your holiday meal, please keep in mind that quarts of holiday sides serve 5 to 6 people and a pound of sliced meat serves 2 to 3 people and also keep in mind that these portions were devised by an American company and that America currently leads the rest of the world in heart disease, obesity, diabetes and all around general self loathing. And for Luby’s delicious whole desserts, such as our famous pecan pie or carrot cake cheesecake, pies serve between 6 to 8 people and cakes serve 1-2 lonely secretaries or drunken industrial lubricant salesmen staying at the Comfort Inn.
Thank you for calling Luby’s Holiday Call Center. We are currently experiencing a high call volume. Please wait for the next available Luby’s representative. Or go online now and place your order right away at lubys.com.
If you don’t want to host a holiday gathering at your home or if you have a few extra hundred dollars lying around and the casinos have cut you off or you’re the loneliest old person on earth, come to Luby’s on Thanksgiving Day. We’ll be serving up a full feast with all the fixin’s. And we’d be happy to have you join us (and the other 500 losers who smell like sick cats and old newspapers).
We’re sure our holiday menu will delight everyone this season. We'll be serving straight from our industrial sized tubs into to your belly. To help you with your holiday order, here’s a quick rundown of our holiday feast selections:
First, the Luby’s Signature Feast features your choice of a whole turkey—roasted, smoked, frosted or deep-fried—or a spiral-sliced ham butt from Hogzilla for 1 to 2 large country people in forgiving overalls. Pile on two quarts of cornbread dressing, one above-the-ground pool of giblet gravy, one gallon of cranberry sauce, and for dessert, one pumpkin pie and (we stress the word and here) one of Luby’s famous pecan pies. Plus a trash bag full of poultry parts from miscellaneous processing facilities around the country, all-you-can-eat banana pudding (VOID in Nebraska), one bath tub of macaroni and cheese with pork feet parts in it, a lawn & leaf bag full of Funions™, a two gallon can of bacon renderings, a couch size loaf of corn bread and 30 sleeves of Keebler’s Deluxe Grahams as an après dessert!
Our next package is perfect for families who love both turkey and spiral-sliced ham during the holidays but are too cheap to flip the bill for the Signature Feast. We call these our tier two patrons. Our Combination Feast (or the “2nd rate deal”) features enough spiral-sliced ham and roasted turkey breast for 10 to 12 people (sliced sparingly and Jesus is dining with you and those people are from 3rd world countries without access to whole milk) and also includes two quarts of cornbread dressing, one pint of giblet gravy, one pint of cranberry sauce, and for dessert, one pumpkin pie with a bite taken out of it or (we stress the word or here) one of Luby’s famous pecan pies with all the pecans picked off the crust.
For those who prefer prime rib, the Luby’s Premium Feast is roasted prime rib for 10, along with two quarts of homemade mashed potatoes and fresh green beans. Plus sautéed mushrooms, au jus gravy, one dozen Luby’s dinner rolls, and one strawberry cheesecake. This package is specifically designed for those annoying dysfunctional families who have to celebrate every holiday non-traditionally. They have those ugly houses that look like post modern office complexes with crappy formalist art in the yard. They go to the movies instead of celebrating Christmas or Chanukah and they turn their porch light off at Halloween, bastards!
And last, for the smaller gathering of 1 to 2 people, our Select Feast (obviously you were not "selected" to be on anybody's guest list) features your choice of roasted turkey breast or spiral-sliced ham, and includes cornbread dressing, giblet gravy, cranberry sauce, and one pumpkin pie or Luby’s famous pecan pie and a Dr. Phil’s self help book to assist you in overcoming what ever personality defects you posses that would cause no one to want to be around you during the holidays. You are an asshole.
Don’t forget, our holiday menu also features many a la carte selections, from whole turkeys and spiral-sliced hams, to quarts of festive sides and pounds of sliced meats, to our mouth-watering whole desserts. When planning your holiday meal, please keep in mind that quarts of holiday sides serve 5 to 6 people and a pound of sliced meat serves 2 to 3 people and also keep in mind that these portions were devised by an American company and that America currently leads the rest of the world in heart disease, obesity, diabetes and all around general self loathing. And for Luby’s delicious whole desserts, such as our famous pecan pie or carrot cake cheesecake, pies serve between 6 to 8 people and cakes serve 1-2 lonely secretaries or drunken industrial lubricant salesmen staying at the Comfort Inn.
Posts
