Horror Scope

Cancer
June 22 - July 22-Monday
"Usually you enjoy talking with others, Cancer, but today you won't even want to answer the phone. Your physical stamina and mental energy are low, and you could feel out of sorts. It might help if you go for a walk sometime in the afternoon. You won't want to waste your evening lying around the house. Get the endorphins going and then go to a movie. You'll soon be your old self again! "

I read this and then I had a thought. Who is writing this? Who is my metaphysical advisor on all things supernatural and astrological? There is no credit line. There is no by line for my horoscope, at least on MSN. Does someone need certification in astrological science to be able to interpret and council on the Zodiac? If so, who is the governing body that bestows this accreditation? I checked and from what I can tell an astrological advisor does not have to be board certified by American Board of Psychiatry and Neurology, American Astronomical Society, or even the American Federation of Astrologers. What if I take their advice? Is there any liability? Is there a recourse or regulatory commission established for bogus horoscopes? The answer is no.
I read these every day because I have elected to view this content module as a part of my MSN Profile. Almost every online publication and web portal offers a daily horoscope. You can find your horoscope in the newspaper, on your favorite website or magazine or even on TV. You can even see it here on my blog if I choose to add the application. The question remains, who is giving the horoscope? Is it all coming from the same channeled spirit advisor? Perhaps it’s the Jamaican lady I see on some infomercial at 2:00 in the morning in between the “Girls Gone Wild” and “Real Estate for Dummies” infomercials. Many people take these things seriously and consider them as some supernatural roadmap to the future.
If this information is provided from a not-so-trustworthy source, the outcome could be destructive if not dangerous. I’m sure there is an inherent disclaimer for the reader to take these general observations and speculations with a grain of salt. However, I am confident that one has the potential to be subversive with the daily doses of advice and use the intergalactic map of destiny to steer someone into harm’s way. That is if one is so inclined. I may not be inclined to harm anyone, but I am inclined to jest at the expense of an unsuspecting dullard who is not responsible for truth and common sense. Seriously, if you subscribe to a theology based on mundane observations and sycophantic affirmations, you get what you deserve. If I were to consider ordaining myself as a high priest of the Zodiac and offering unsolicited council on some media outlet to any poor devoted schlep that might read my false recommendations, then I would say reader beware. In the spirit of fun, I might post something like this:

Cancer/ June 22 - July 22
Monday- Today you might feel a little sluggish and slightly unmotivated. This is because it is Monday and you spent the entire weekend sleeping in and eating and drinking things that you probably shouldn’t have. You might feel a bit inundated at work. This is because you put so much crap off on Friday because you were in a good mood that it was Friday and you could not wait until the weekend. Try to plan out your week. This will help you get back in your routine. Eating healthy is a good choice. When is it not?

Tuesday- Beware of the pitfalls of procrastination. Yes, it’s no longer Monday. Get your ass to work! You will reconnect and meet up with some old friends today. Facebook currently has over 350,000,000 users including that guy from your high school gym class that you may call friend in a pinch. Do not be alarmed if they do not respond to you right away. You have some secrets that stand in the way of these relationships and it will take time to ease back into sharing your innermost thoughts. That’s because you don’t really know the guy from your gym class well enough to tell him about your sock fetish. Yes, I know about that.

Wednesday-This will be backwards day for you. Take half a bottle of Tylenol PM. Now shower and get dressed and then put your pajamas back on. Drive in backwards to work. Speaking of work, someone there is watching you. It’s Stan from accounting. If you work at a large company, than it could be a Fran or Ann or even a tan man with two hands and he/she may not work in accounting. Stan is the anti-Christ or in this case, the anti-Cancer. He must be destroyed. Take a semi-automatic weapon to work and kill the anti-Cancer or anyone that gets in your way. Some may try to stop you or get in your way. Shoot them. Be confident and secure in your decision. Don’t let people get in the way of your dreams or your nightmares.

Thursday- Wait, you didn’t go through with that whole anti-Cancer extermination did you? Oh boy. I’m sorry; I was a little tipsy yesterday from having Sangria at lunch. I was just having a goof. Today (if you did ignore yesterday’s horoscope) will be a productive day for you. The Sagittarius is in the house of the moon of Taurus and the plate ran away with the spoon. Go get the spoon back. We may want to eat Tapioca later. This means that this is the day that you will have clarity on that thing that you were thinking about and were not really sure about but today you will be a little more sure or at least comfortable about having made some sort of decision either way regarding that thing or whether you want to do that thing. You know what I’m talking about or you will know.

Friday- Today is Friday and as they say "Thank God it’s Friday". Beware false idols or chain restaurants that bear the name of an acronym of a cliché. You may spend eternity in damnation or get overcharged for a weak tropical cocktail. Today is the day you will find peace and comfort…and joy, comfort and joy. Oh tidings of comfort and joy. Don’t forget there are only 260 more shopping days until Christmas. Oh, but you don’t believe in Christmas, do you? Otherwise you would not be reading this stupid horoscope in blind faith that someone or something shares some banal commonality that predetermines your destiny and therefore absolves you of any forbearance, moral dilemma, resolution, or personal responsibility for your own life. That’s right. It was all mapped out before you got here, wasn’t it? You just had the dumb luck of being born between the days of June 22 and July 22, didn’t you? If that’s the case, then avoid fatty foods, get plenty of rest and enter you MasterCard/Visa number, expiration date and security code in the form below. DO IT NOW! It’s your “destiny”.

Man-cation 2010: Vail & Breckenridge

In January, I decided to take a much needed "man-cation." This time, I went with Todd from work. We left on a Friday morning and skied Vail that afternoon. Todd got sick the day we left and his health deteriorated throughout the trip. This put a damper on the brewery tours, but he was a trooper and rallied for a few nights out on the town. The conditions were beautiful; sunny with packed powder. We missed the fresh powder by a few days but we were just glad to be there. The crowds were subdued and the weather was perfect.

Here is the first run of the day.



I guess I was more out of shape than I thought. We had to stop a few times on the first run and avoid the moguls to stretch out. We were there for the half day so it didn't matter. We just enjoyed the views and tried to remember we were in Dallas that morning.

No, that is not Zach Galifianakis from the Hangover. On the second day, I stopped at a local barber and got it all chopped off. It was fun while it lasted but truth be told, I was looking forward to a shave & haircut.

This next clip I placed the Flip camera in my goggles and filmed a run going down the back side on Yonder Gully. There was still some nice powder left. I was shocked to see the video turned out. I thought about adding some high amped music to it, dropping in a helicopter shadow and speeding up the frames, but who am I kidding. I was able to edit out all of the names of the runs we were on like "Lame Boy, Little Fluffy, Snow Queen and Gentle Bird." We had a good time.

That night we stayed in Denver. Thanks to my overconfident and rather obstinent sense of directions, we got lost in Denver. Todd was ready to kill me. The poor guy was beat and just wanted to go to sleep. The next day we awoke to sunshine and blue skies. After a lovely continental breakfast provided by our friends at La Quinta, we jumped in the car and headed up to Breckendridge. I was pleasantly suprised at just how beautiful Breckenridge was. We wasted no time hitting the slopes and made the most of a perfect winter holiday.

That night we stayed in Beaver Creek. We had a chance to catch the Cowboy Game at a local bar named the Dusty Boot. The next day we explored more of Breckenridge, including the famed Breckenridge Brewery. They have some of the best beer made in America. I had a chance to sample my favorite beer, Small Batch 471 sitting only a few hundred feet from where it was made, delish!

Waking Up

I guess I am what you call a morning person. I truly enjoy waking up. I enjoy it so much that I try to suspend it. I drag it out over my whole morning. When I go to bed at night, I look forward to the event of waking up. It feels a little bit like time travel. I never remember falling asleep. Who doesn't love a good nap? I give myself a solid bump on the arm if I know I got some solid REM. The sculptor Harry Geffert was asked once what motivates him to create art. He said "When I was about 8 years old, I fell sound asleep on top of a cow in a pasture in the middle of the day. I have spent the rest of my life trying to recapture that moment in my art." Sleep is a powerful thing. Waking up is the first experience you have every day (unless you stayed up all night.)

I never remember drifting off to sleep. Something grabs me and knocks me out. Somehow I am magically transported to 4:00, 5:30 or 6:30, when I hear the sound of Donna Summer on my alarm clock. I keep my alarm clock radio set to wake at 6:30 am on the seventies station. Nothing gets me reaching for the snooze button faster than a little disco. The songs are all engrained in my memory and they give me something to focus on to pull me into the world of the living.

I write on this topic because this is the season that sleep comes so easy for me. It's spring time. I'm not sure if it's the onset of warm weather, the time change or the frequent drops in barometric pressure with the rain storms. Spring is always the best season for sleep. I should really say that it’s the best season for waking up. Yes, the sleep is nice but it’s the waking up that I really enjoy. Most people say they hate to wake up. I hate to get up and go to work, but I love to wake up. I love to spend 30-45 minutes celebrating the new bed by lying motionless. It’s the act of waking up I enjoy. There are no worries, no mistakes made and no arguments…yet.

I stare at the ceiling for 10 minutes and run my feet back and forth under the covers. My dog Fiddler can hear me so he clicks his way across the hardwood floors and his nose pushes the bedroom door open. “CLICK, CLICK, CLICK, CLICK…” He practices his own waking ritual with a quick downward dog and a yelping yawn. He sniffs my shoes on the floor. Then he heads straight for my side of the bed banging his tail into everything and panting loudly. I roll over half crocked across the comforter. My movement makes him bang his tail that much faster. He knows I’m awake now.

I feel the cool, grass laden breezes coming through the open window. Sometimes it’s just starting to rain and I can make out a faint rumble off in the distance and drops of rain hitting the leaves outside. That’s the best. I can smell all of the new blossoms and green tree buds. If I’m lucky I will catch a hint of bacon on the air from a neighbor’s house. I can hear a loud exchange of a thousand cackles, twerps, cheeps and caws coming from hot and bothered birds. I sit up disoriented and unaware of my present situation. I take a few minutes to try and analyze the dream I just had. Sometimes I feel like calling in sick to work to spend some time working through whatever self psychoanalysis I can sort out from my dream. “This stuff is important!” I would tell them. “I am on the brink of a major self discovery.”

I think about hot tea or coffee to help clear my head. I think back on my dreams again. I start in on my dream again. What the hell did that mean? The golf tournament in Brazil that I can never make the tee time because of an affair I am having with my 3rd grade teacher. The purple sock I can’t get off of my foot because it’s a mile long. Did I mention that I’m sitting on the Chrysler building? There are always the snakes.

I fall back into my pillows and contemplate. I think to myself, “Today is different.” Of course it’s not. It’s the same day that I had yesterday. It’s the same day I will have tomorrow. I’ll usually forget about it half way to work on my commute. My blissful condition of rest and self affirmation is quickly replaced with rage for the jack-hole that just cut me off, “JACK-HOLE!” It begins again; the day that will leave me fraught with anxiety, fatigued and confused; the day that will die in my sleep and lead me back to another wake.