Cancer
June 22 - July 22-Monday
"Usually you enjoy talking with others, Cancer, but today you won't even want to answer the phone. Your physical stamina and mental energy are low, and you could feel out of sorts. It might help if you go for a walk sometime in the afternoon. You won't want to waste your evening lying around the house. Get the endorphins going and then go to a movie. You'll soon be your old self again! "
I read this and then I had a thought. Who is writing this? Who is my metaphysical advisor on all things supernatural and astrological? There is no credit line. There is no by line for my horoscope, at least on MSN. Does someone need certification in astrological science to be able to interpret and council on the Zodiac? If so, who is the governing body that bestows this accreditation? I checked and from what I can tell an astrological advisor does not have to be board certified by American Board of Psychiatry and Neurology, American Astronomical Society, or even the American Federation of Astrologers. What if I take their advice? Is there any liability? Is there a recourse or regulatory commission established for bogus horoscopes? The answer is no.
I read these every day because I have elected to view this content module as a part of my MSN Profile. Almost every online publication and web portal offers a daily horoscope. You can find your horoscope in the newspaper, on your favorite website or magazine or even on TV. You can even see it here on my blog if I choose to add the application. The question remains, who is giving the horoscope? Is it all coming from the same channeled spirit advisor? Perhaps it’s the Jamaican lady I see on some infomercial at 2:00 in the morning in between the “Girls Gone Wild” and “Real Estate for Dummies” infomercials. Many people take these things seriously and consider them as some supernatural roadmap to the future.
If this information is provided from a not-so-trustworthy source, the outcome could be destructive if not dangerous. I’m sure there is an inherent disclaimer for the reader to take these general observations and speculations with a grain of salt. However, I am confident that one has the potential to be subversive with the daily doses of advice and use the intergalactic map of destiny to steer someone into harm’s way. That is if one is so inclined. I may not be inclined to harm anyone, but I am inclined to jest at the expense of an unsuspecting dullard who is not responsible for truth and common sense. Seriously, if you subscribe to a theology based on mundane observations and sycophantic affirmations, you get what you deserve. If I were to consider ordaining myself as a high priest of the Zodiac and offering unsolicited council on some media outlet to any poor devoted schlep that might read my false recommendations, then I would say reader beware. In the spirit of fun, I might post something like this:
Cancer/ June 22 - July 22
Monday- Today you might feel a little sluggish and slightly unmotivated. This is because it is Monday and you spent the entire weekend sleeping in and eating and drinking things that you probably shouldn’t have. You might feel a bit inundated at work. This is because you put so much crap off on Friday because you were in a good mood that it was Friday and you could not wait until the weekend. Try to plan out your week. This will help you get back in your routine. Eating healthy is a good choice. When is it not?
Tuesday- Beware of the pitfalls of procrastination. Yes, it’s no longer Monday. Get your ass to work! You will reconnect and meet up with some old friends today. Facebook currently has over 350,000,000 users including that guy from your high school gym class that you may call friend in a pinch. Do not be alarmed if they do not respond to you right away. You have some secrets that stand in the way of these relationships and it will take time to ease back into sharing your innermost thoughts. That’s because you don’t really know the guy from your gym class well enough to tell him about your sock fetish. Yes, I know about that.
Wednesday-This will be backwards day for you. Take half a bottle of Tylenol PM. Now shower and get dressed and then put your pajamas back on. Drive in backwards to work. Speaking of work, someone there is watching you. It’s Stan from accounting. If you work at a large company, than it could be a Fran or Ann or even a tan man with two hands and he/she may not work in accounting. Stan is the anti-Christ or in this case, the anti-Cancer. He must be destroyed. Take a semi-automatic weapon to work and kill the anti-Cancer or anyone that gets in your way. Some may try to stop you or get in your way. Shoot them. Be confident and secure in your decision. Don’t let people get in the way of your dreams or your nightmares.
Thursday- Wait, you didn’t go through with that whole anti-Cancer extermination did you? Oh boy. I’m sorry; I was a little tipsy yesterday from having Sangria at lunch. I was just having a goof. Today (if you did ignore yesterday’s horoscope) will be a productive day for you. The Sagittarius is in the house of the moon of Taurus and the plate ran away with the spoon. Go get the spoon back. We may want to eat Tapioca later. This means that this is the day that you will have clarity on that thing that you were thinking about and were not really sure about but today you will be a little more sure or at least comfortable about having made some sort of decision either way regarding that thing or whether you want to do that thing. You know what I’m talking about or you will know.
Friday- Today is Friday and as they say "Thank God it’s Friday". Beware false idols or chain restaurants that bear the name of an acronym of a cliché. You may spend eternity in damnation or get overcharged for a weak tropical cocktail. Today is the day you will find peace and comfort…and joy, comfort and joy. Oh tidings of comfort and joy. Don’t forget there are only 260 more shopping days until Christmas. Oh, but you don’t believe in Christmas, do you? Otherwise you would not be reading this stupid horoscope in blind faith that someone or something shares some banal commonality that predetermines your destiny and therefore absolves you of any forbearance, moral dilemma, resolution, or personal responsibility for your own life. That’s right. It was all mapped out before you got here, wasn’t it? You just had the dumb luck of being born between the days of June 22 and July 22, didn’t you? If that’s the case, then avoid fatty foods, get plenty of rest and enter you MasterCard/Visa number, expiration date and security code in the form below. DO IT NOW! It’s your “destiny”.
June 22 - July 22-Monday
"Usually you enjoy talking with others, Cancer, but today you won't even want to answer the phone. Your physical stamina and mental energy are low, and you could feel out of sorts. It might help if you go for a walk sometime in the afternoon. You won't want to waste your evening lying around the house. Get the endorphins going and then go to a movie. You'll soon be your old self again! "
I read this and then I had a thought. Who is writing this? Who is my metaphysical advisor on all things supernatural and astrological? There is no credit line. There is no by line for my horoscope, at least on MSN. Does someone need certification in astrological science to be able to interpret and council on the Zodiac? If so, who is the governing body that bestows this accreditation? I checked and from what I can tell an astrological advisor does not have to be board certified by American Board of Psychiatry and Neurology, American Astronomical Society, or even the American Federation of Astrologers. What if I take their advice? Is there any liability? Is there a recourse or regulatory commission established for bogus horoscopes? The answer is no.
I read these every day because I have elected to view this content module as a part of my MSN Profile. Almost every online publication and web portal offers a daily horoscope. You can find your horoscope in the newspaper, on your favorite website or magazine or even on TV. You can even see it here on my blog if I choose to add the application. The question remains, who is giving the horoscope? Is it all coming from the same channeled spirit advisor? Perhaps it’s the Jamaican lady I see on some infomercial at 2:00 in the morning in between the “Girls Gone Wild” and “Real Estate for Dummies” infomercials. Many people take these things seriously and consider them as some supernatural roadmap to the future.
If this information is provided from a not-so-trustworthy source, the outcome could be destructive if not dangerous. I’m sure there is an inherent disclaimer for the reader to take these general observations and speculations with a grain of salt. However, I am confident that one has the potential to be subversive with the daily doses of advice and use the intergalactic map of destiny to steer someone into harm’s way. That is if one is so inclined. I may not be inclined to harm anyone, but I am inclined to jest at the expense of an unsuspecting dullard who is not responsible for truth and common sense. Seriously, if you subscribe to a theology based on mundane observations and sycophantic affirmations, you get what you deserve. If I were to consider ordaining myself as a high priest of the Zodiac and offering unsolicited council on some media outlet to any poor devoted schlep that might read my false recommendations, then I would say reader beware. In the spirit of fun, I might post something like this:
Cancer/ June 22 - July 22
Monday- Today you might feel a little sluggish and slightly unmotivated. This is because it is Monday and you spent the entire weekend sleeping in and eating and drinking things that you probably shouldn’t have. You might feel a bit inundated at work. This is because you put so much crap off on Friday because you were in a good mood that it was Friday and you could not wait until the weekend. Try to plan out your week. This will help you get back in your routine. Eating healthy is a good choice. When is it not?
Tuesday- Beware of the pitfalls of procrastination. Yes, it’s no longer Monday. Get your ass to work! You will reconnect and meet up with some old friends today. Facebook currently has over 350,000,000 users including that guy from your high school gym class that you may call friend in a pinch. Do not be alarmed if they do not respond to you right away. You have some secrets that stand in the way of these relationships and it will take time to ease back into sharing your innermost thoughts. That’s because you don’t really know the guy from your gym class well enough to tell him about your sock fetish. Yes, I know about that.
Wednesday-This will be backwards day for you. Take half a bottle of Tylenol PM. Now shower and get dressed and then put your pajamas back on. Drive in backwards to work. Speaking of work, someone there is watching you. It’s Stan from accounting. If you work at a large company, than it could be a Fran or Ann or even a tan man with two hands and he/she may not work in accounting. Stan is the anti-Christ or in this case, the anti-Cancer. He must be destroyed. Take a semi-automatic weapon to work and kill the anti-Cancer or anyone that gets in your way. Some may try to stop you or get in your way. Shoot them. Be confident and secure in your decision. Don’t let people get in the way of your dreams or your nightmares.
Thursday- Wait, you didn’t go through with that whole anti-Cancer extermination did you? Oh boy. I’m sorry; I was a little tipsy yesterday from having Sangria at lunch. I was just having a goof. Today (if you did ignore yesterday’s horoscope) will be a productive day for you. The Sagittarius is in the house of the moon of Taurus and the plate ran away with the spoon. Go get the spoon back. We may want to eat Tapioca later. This means that this is the day that you will have clarity on that thing that you were thinking about and were not really sure about but today you will be a little more sure or at least comfortable about having made some sort of decision either way regarding that thing or whether you want to do that thing. You know what I’m talking about or you will know.
Friday- Today is Friday and as they say "Thank God it’s Friday". Beware false idols or chain restaurants that bear the name of an acronym of a cliché. You may spend eternity in damnation or get overcharged for a weak tropical cocktail. Today is the day you will find peace and comfort…and joy, comfort and joy. Oh tidings of comfort and joy. Don’t forget there are only 260 more shopping days until Christmas. Oh, but you don’t believe in Christmas, do you? Otherwise you would not be reading this stupid horoscope in blind faith that someone or something shares some banal commonality that predetermines your destiny and therefore absolves you of any forbearance, moral dilemma, resolution, or personal responsibility for your own life. That’s right. It was all mapped out before you got here, wasn’t it? You just had the dumb luck of being born between the days of June 22 and July 22, didn’t you? If that’s the case, then avoid fatty foods, get plenty of rest and enter you MasterCard/Visa number, expiration date and security code in the form below. DO IT NOW! It’s your “destiny”.
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment