Dallas Morning News Editorial

One hobby I entertain is mulling with the masses in daily editorial comments in the Dallas Morning News. For me, the editorial offerings are not a soap box so much as an opportunity to incite criticism from fellow posters and a anonymous platform for my chaotic cynicism. Moreover, this is a lazy opportunity to beef up up my blog. Here are a few of my favorites accompanied by corelating headline:
"Pilot injured after landing plane upside down"
(a pilot lands a small plane upside down on a golf course) Perhaps he was attempting a very low altitude barrel roll. Maybe he was confused and thought he had flown around the world and he was now in China where everything is upside down. Maybe he had the hiccups and was trying to swallow water upside down. Maybe he was trying to put the plane to sleep. Maybe when he was homebuilding his own aircraft he forgot to put tab A into slot B on the "aeronautical-rightside-upper-indicator". Maybe he was a golf terrorist. Maybe he was in a high stakes game of aero-limbo. Maybe he was drunk and really believes that this was a 2 point landing. Maybe he was trying to take the off ramp to the Highway to the Dangerzone and ended up on a loop. Maybe his compass was stuck on up. Maybe he was trying out his new rooftop landing gear he just installed. Maybe he's colorblind and sees the color green as blue. Maybe he owed more on his bank loan than the plane was worth and he got upsidedown on the payments. Maybe he was doing the Maverick thing and he was flipping the bird to a MIG and got stuck. Maybe he was trying to get some change out his pocket for the toll booth. Maybe he has never had a flying lesson in his life and wanted to experience what people meant by the saying "just winging it". WE JUST DON'T KNOW!
"Texas family sues after father mistakenly cremated"
(a man's body is switched with a womans body and mistakenly creamated) What a kooky conundrum rife with buffoonery, silliness and guffaw. What they should have done was watched Weekend at Bernie’s II and added a Tootsie twist. They should have dressed the woman up to look like the man, put some funny sunglasses on her and draw a mustache with a black sharpie. There could be a whole subplot about how her life was spent as a woman trapped inside a man’s body and she comes back to life as a man. The family comes to accept her as the new dad and she opens a sports bar in Tulsa. All-in-all a comic tour de farce filled with mischief, mayhem and endearing fun. One the whole family will enjoy. Gary Cogill gives it 2 thumbs up! I’m not sure if it would resolve the mix up, but it sure would make a hilarious movie rental for the weekend. Why they had to go and fess up is beyond me.
"Official: Navy talking to pirates holding hostage"
The following list of the pirate's demands has just been released by the associated press:
1. 500 gold doubloons
2. 1 chatty parrot that can sing a Spanish sea shanty
3. 40 barrels of spiced rum
4. 1 Jimmy Buffet tee shirt and tickets to his concert at the Somalia State Fair Grounds
5. 1 treasure map
6. 1 pair of hoop earrings
7. 1 free dinner with Orlando Bloom at the Carlos-N Charlie’s in Yemen
8. 30 free appetizers from Joe’s Crab Shack
9. 1 free iTunes download of Christopher Cross’s sailing
10. He wants to talk to PFC George Stickel, “GEORGE, I’M A FISH!”
"Texas county apologizes to 'dead voters'"
(County voting officials poll senior citizens to see if they are still alive) It’s a travesty that the reporter does not convey the whole story. What they failed to mention was that the letter was mailed certified via courier. As a practical joke, the courier dresses in a long black hooded cloak and carried a wheat sheath. That’s just not funny. What is funny is that one of the recipients was named Chad. They found him hanging in his living room and promptly crossed him of the registered list. We all know what havoc a hanging Chad can wreak on an election.
"Mexican bricks blamed for crumbling North Texas homes"
Let's not discount the entire Mexican manufacturing industry based on a few bad products. The term 'Mexican' carries a denotation of poor craftmanship due to tired stereotypes. There are a few quality products that are manufactured in Mexico that are exemplary. Products such as: panchos, blankets, Corona, Dos Equis,Tequila, switchblades, bull whips, firecrackers, sombreros, chimeneas, aztec water pipes, friendship bracelets and Canels gum
"10 kids drink windshield wiper fluid at day care"
I think the take-home message is not to have these products in the kitchen or where you're doing any kind of food preparation," she said. This is true. This rule of thumb can also be applied to:
1: Not storing ammonia in a lemon juice bottle
2: Not storing razor blades in the cereal
3: Not storing sulphuric acid in visine bottles
4: Not storing a chainsaw in a toy box
5: Not storing gasoline in apple juice bottles...to name a few.
"Dallas officials admit siren mistake"
(a civil defense alarm is accidently triggered at 11:00 at night) I am outraged that this city employee wasted my precious time. I don't think the City of Dallas recognizes just how precious my time is. I don't have time to waste being falsely alerted at 11:00 at night, not anymore than I have right as this very minute. That's 2 minutes of my life I can never get back from the City of Dallas. In my opinion, this is time taken away from me and all of my colleagues here on WFAA's website who are taking time out of their busy day to volunteer worthless editorial comment.
"Obama calls for swift action on economy"
At this point, why don't we make it a Gazillion? If America goes bankrupt, are we going to move back in with England? Will they let us? I know China won't. We could crash over at Japan's house. They have all the cool video games. We can always crash over at France's pad. He's passed out asleep on the couch. We can't stay with Canada. They're always worried we're gonna break something. Mexico has a cool pool, but they don't have anything in the fridge. Maybe we can all squeeze in to California and live happily ever after.
"Bishop Arts success to be stretched down Davis"
Nevermind the racial division that will become underscored by the rezoning of Davis Street! Forget about the clash of different economic social strata! What about the plight of the urban fat person. We are always marginalized by these chic, upscale developments with their tiny parking spaces and guilt invoking health clubs and pretty people. Do you think a place like Bishop Arts caters to patrons with beer guts and bus bumpers? They are slowly squeezing out the taquerias, Furrs Cafeterias, Whataburgers and Braums. It's as if the only safe place for fat people to spend an evening out is Arlington @ I-20 and Cooper. We are wide and we need all of the space we can get. Pretty soon we will be pushed outside in the heat with the smokers. They don't want a patio full of sweaty fat bottoms and one-lungers. It's just not fair. Oooh, that got me thinking of the Fair. I can't wait for those corny dogs to come back around.
"Coach fired, says he's not sorry for 100-0 win"
I think the winning team should have their shoes taken away from them and the losing team should be made to feel ashamed and their coach should have to play a game by himself for twenty minutes in front of a bunch of retired textile workers and then they should get all the parents together in one room and turn the lights out and them flip them back on suddenly to see who's making out. The referee should be asked to go wait in his car with the windows rolled up. All the teachers at the Academy should be fined $25 and they should release a scared animal into the gynasium and everyone in the audience should hit cans and bottles real loud to scare it. Then everyone will forget what happened and they can pick up their coats on the way out and go home and watch "Ice Truckers".
"Tree branch bandit arrested in FW"
I'm glad they have finally apprehended this "shady" "nut" job and brought him to justice. "Knock on wood" this doesn't happen in our neighborhood. I know he's been "pining" to rob the Chase "branch" near my house on "Elm" street. They should "cane" him if you ask me. In Saudia Arabia they would take his "limb" for such a crime. I just hope the police don't just "brush" this off and "stick" it to him. I "wood" bet that he will "hedge" his bets with the prosecution will get "Bush" to pardon him since he is a "Fir"-st time offender. I bet he comes from a long family "tree" of "crooks".
"Obama pledges not to smoke in White House"
That's right, there are strict policies regarding tobacco use in the White House. Smoking cigarettes is strictly prohibited. Only cigars are allowed in the oval office and even those are not allowed to be lit, inhaled or ingested orally.
"Foreclosure hits home of Duncanville's Cherry Pit swingers club"
5 bedroom rustic rambler with down home country charm. Master bedroom features iron maiden and whipping post. Brass poles throughout. Slip-n-slide staircase leads to spacious kitchen featuring refrigerator with whip cream dispenser. Wall-to-wall orange shag carpet and floor to ceiling mirrors in the living room. There's a hot tub in the kids rooms and sex dungeon that can be converted into a play area. Motivated seller!!!
"Seventh graders face felonies for arson"
I think they ought to make these boys come and rake the leaves out of my yard. After that, they should make them clean my rain gutter and mow. Then, they need to show them respect for personal property by making them paint my house, clean out my garage and reshingle my roof. They might as well wash my car while they are at it. That will teach those selfish brats to think of someone else besides themselves.
"North Texans turn to wood to heat their homes"
Here's a few other money saving tips during the depression: home dentistry, salt cured cat, dog or squirrel (tastes just like chicken), plywood curtains, cinder block furniture, wire spool end tables, bologna steaks, recycled tooth paste, pig foot stew and soups cans for stocking stuffers. Here's another energy saving tip: Warsh yer dishes in the tub when you get out every week. We usually save the pots and pans for Saturday's bath. Last week, we found some burnt beans and I weren't sure if those came from the dishes or the bath. You can also use road flares for candles. We burn squirrel tails to keep the chiggers out the bed sheets. I use my grill and fill it up with charcoal. We light it up every night and it warms the whole living room. You may want to open a window or two. It can make your whole house smell like burnt hamburgers. I come home from work already smelling like burnt hamburgers so that's the last thing I want to smell. We usually run the gas stove with the door open to help keep the odor down. Plus the oven light helps us see through all the smoke. I sleep so well at night. My house is toasty and I fast asleep the second my head hits my pillow.
"Britney Spears to embark on `Circus' tour in March"
Gee, I hope she makes a spectacular comeback. We dearly miss her wreckless antics. In these dire times of want, fear and confusion, it's comforting to see a hedonist, narcissistic train wreck devoid of any talent work through her emotional baggage by blowing thousands of dollars a day on handbags, frivilous child custody precedings and alchohol. We need her during these desperate times to remind us what's really important. I just hope the world is watching.
"Detective tracks down missing dogs"
I remember a Beagle named Pockets we had when I was a child. One day, Pockets got out and we couldn't find him. We looked everywhere. We hung flyers up all over the neighborhood and waited for a phone call or a knock at the door. Unfortunately, that day never came. One morning we got up to go to the church rummage sale to try to rid ourselves of Pockets memory,We were taking his leash, his food bowl and his collar to donate. We found Pockets in the back seat of the car. The windows were rolled up and it was the middle of August. Pockets had fried to death. He dehydrated into a dry husk like a petrified locust. It took years to get that smell out of the car. Then we sold the car to an Indian family in Richardson. They didn't have a dog.
Pizza Hut slicing jobs at Dallas HQ
Pizza Hut Slicing Jobs (pardon the pun)With the economy growing "crusty" and more people are feeling "burnt" by the bailout, Pizza Hut has elected to "cut the cheese" from their budget and "roll" up their sleeves. Many of their workers will see the "hot fresh delivery" of a pink slip and will be "hand tossed" out the door. As we peel the layers off this "onion" of a story, there is more "meat" than we originally reported.