A golf widow's guide

For the benefit of the wives so unfortunate to marry a sod seeker such as me, I write to the golfer that spends countless hours pursuing the futile mastery of a game called golf. Do you find yourself rushing out to the middle of a fairway during a thunderstorm with no regard for life or limb only to remark “Wow, I got the whole course to myself?” Do you sacrifice shame and self respect by scooping up left over balls from the putting green to hit a few extra at the range? Do you enjoy ball hunting almost as much as the game of golf itself? Do you wait out more than 3 frost delays in a year? Do you pair up with other pitiable duffers at your local golf course with whom you have had the dubious pleasure of pairing with before? Do you take in a beautiful vista only to wonder if it would make a nice Par 5? Are your car keys intertwined with golf tees, range tokens and ball markers? Do you maximize the full value of a sundowner rate despite complete darkness? Then please, read on. For the unfortunate family of habitual golfers that ignore crowded tee boxes, expensive courses and foul weather to chase a “stupid white ball” around a perfectly good municipal park for half a day, it is a curse. I claim myself among these hopeless hacks. We are time thieves to say the least and sad to say the most. We spend countless hours of separation from our families without so much as a phone call, a note or an email. There are some spouses who will say that golf is an evasive measure. They claim this is just a reason to spend time away from their loved ones to avoid conflict. They say it is a desperate attempt to escape doldrums and responsibilities of life. Scorned lovers should be so neglected. Wives, when your spouse tells you that he is going “double down” in the afternoon, you can only hope it is an admission of adultery that he speaks. A non-golfing wife may gain some perspective if she understands the bug a little better. Golf is not a causal diversion. It is not a pastime, hobby, leisure activity or sport. It is an all consuming paradox of the metaphysical and existential. It’s as if you are Albert Einstein on the cusp of the penultimate discovery of all physical and mathematical understanding with a note taped to your back that reads, “Kick me.” It is the rabbit hole of Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland and you can't seem to get there in 4 strokes. Take no personal offense. The golfer is a walking zombie seeking a swing he never finds, a putt that never drops and a crushing 350 yard drive that predestines two chilly dips and a 3 putt. In short, golf is a cosmic joke. The golf addict is the butt of said joke repeating the same mistakes over and over and erasing the past. Golf impairs long term memory. It creates delusions of clutch shots and soaring drives. It buries the painful memories of chunks, flubs and countless mulligan’s. Fate allows us a birdie on the last hole to ensnare us with visions of grandeur and green jackets; sounds of bouncing balls in a small plastic cup that siren us back into the worst round of our pathetic lives. The golfer is not haunted by ghosts, tempests or plague but rather harmless elements such as trees, ponds and sand.The loss of a loved one to this spiraling vortex of denial and escalating green fees is traumatic. Like all traumatic experiences, the families of these victims should be spared the grisly details of this affliction. There are some fine points in the rules of the game that are best left on the golf course. There are a few blades of truth regarding the game best kept swept under the golf mats. Innocent victims may be spared the embarrassing excuses and barefaced deceptions if the golfer considers a few points to shelter their loved ones. To this end, I have compiled a short list of golf-isms that we can all agree to share with our wives to help them better understand the game of golf. Don’t give me that look. Let’s just call them “winter rules.” May our better halves find solace in their naiveté. Not to mention the fact we can all enjoy a few extra holes and avoid divorce if we can all attest these truths of golf to be resolute and sincere in accordance with the United States Golf Association.

1. All players are required to finish all eighteen holes and can not leave the course under any circumstances (this includes weddings, dinner parties, that family thing at her sister's house) until they have completed all 18 holes and read all 18 of these golf rules.

2. St. Andrew is an actual saint whose wife thinks that golf is 36 holes and takes 8 hours and 41 minutes to play.

3. Golf is an aerobic activity. Write this down: GOLF IS AN AEROBIC ACTIVITY AND THEREFORE CONSIDERED EXERCISE.

4. The 19th hole is an actual part of the course where upon a tie must be decided by sudden death. Sometimes this can take up to three or four additional hours and may involve multiple locations.

5. All cart girls look like John Daly and work on a golf course to pay their way through medical school.

6. An average green fee is $3-$5 dollars. The cart is $65 plus a mandatory bar tab.

7. Yes, golf courses are open during snow storms, tornados and hurricanes. This includes the one on Golden Tees at your nearest sports bar.

8. There is no such thing as a “kitchen pass”. (If you need a “kitchen pass” to play golf then you need to be playing from the red tees. Additionally, you might want to stop at the pro shop and pick up some extra balls because it is apparent that you left your’s at home with your wife.)

9. Tee times work on a lottery system and once you get one, it’s your’s for the season. If you fail to appear, it will be forfeited to the guy with the “kitchen pass”.

10. Alcohol is strictly forbidden on the golf course. (That’s because they sell it on the golf course).

11. A rain check is good for many, many rounds throughout the rest of the life of the player holding it.

12. A tee time is a binding commitment by law and all players must appear 30 minutes prior or face criminal prosecution punishable by fine, imprisonment or additional tee times.

13. Concession stand hot dogs are made with organic free range beef and all natural ingredients. They will sustain a player’s energy for 36 holes and readily absorb 16 beers.

14. In accordance with proper golf etiquette, all cell phones must be turned off throughout the duration of the round to avoid interference with the cart’s navigational system.

15. A “Sundowner” is any round that starts after 1:00pm and must continue until after the sun has gone down, hence the name, “Sundowner”. “Twilight” in contrast starts at 8:00 am and typically requires the purchase of a “Sundowner”. Most courses will package the two together in what’s called an “Over-Nighter” that requires a minimum of five guys and a half rack.

16. Proper attire is required at all respectable golf courses. Such attire includes a new set of Ping G-10 irons, 3-PW and must be worn at all times. No shirt, no Pings, no service

17. Children under 30 are never allowed to accompany a golfer on a golf course, in a golf cart or near a driving range.

18. Average Par is 104 (This really has no bearing on the relationship of golfers and their wives but it sure would help my game if we can all agree).

Swine Flu Cancellations: Please Note

Breaking News: Additional local events have been cancelled this weekend due to concern over additional outbreak of swine flu. Please contact event organizers and adjust your plans accordingly.
The "8th Annual Burleson Pig French Kissing Contest"
The "Plano Annual Spit Swapping, Coughing and Handshake Competition"
The Spencer Tunick nude photo shoot of the entire town of Forney
"Hug the Homeless Fest 2009"
SMU Greek Row phone booth stuffing contest (although this was cancelled due to crabs)
"The South Dallas Loogi Toss"
"The Trinity River Bottom 5K fun run and Pig Foot Dunking Contest"
Dallas Museum of Nature and Science "Contagious Disease Scavenger Hunt for Kids"
Baskin Robbins “Spoon Swap for Charity” at Victory Park
The 104th ceremony of Pleasant Grove’s “Running with the Pigs”

Deleted Customer

The other day I checked my email and I discovered this courtesy reminder from my friendly Kodak online photo company, “According to our new Storage Policy, your photos may be deleted if you do not act soon.” The notice explained that if I do not spend $4.99 by May 22, 2009 they will delete all of my folders and close my account. It has been a year since I purchased anything from Kodak. At first, I was not disappointed. It's true, I have been a loyal customer of Kodak in the past. A year ago I had switched my online photo purchasing to Shutterfly. This was primarily due to lack of service on Kodak’s part following a series of botched prints and encountering an unreasonable sales staff. It does not inconvenience me in the slightest as I have all these photos backed up and burned to a disk. Then the thought occurred to me. What brave new territory are we crossing into where a business no longer needs to spend money to make money? How much money do companies spend annually to retain customers and respective market share? What new media sales philosophy are they teaching in universities that instruct future business owners that they can increase profits by denying customers access to what it is they sell? This is an online business. They have no brick and mortar retail overhead. They have no parking lot to maintain, no isles to stock or Musak machine to replenish, only server space and a website. Online storage IS the store. The products they sell are the umpteen thousand prints, frames, calendars, t-shirts, coffee mugs, photo books and key chains they sell to accentuate MY photos. If I can’t get IN to the store to access MY photos, I can’t buy anything.
I’m not so foolish to assume that storage space is not a real cost. More, I am not so naïve to think that these resources are not taken advantage of by unmotivated consumers and lazy cyber hoarders. But think for a second. Isn’t this the cost of doing business? In the off chance that Grandma wants to make a scrapbook and go back to that photo taken at Christmas 1998 and make a $3.99 5X7 print, that’s $3.99 that Kodak will never see.
Marketing companies retain your information for years and years and never bother to hit you up for “storage” space. Doctor’s and hospitals (all brick and mortar mind you) retain records and x-rays to their benefit because they utilize these assets to retain their clientele. A pharmacy will be more than happy to dedicate some of their shelf space to your prescription whether you pick it up or not. When you do finally decide to come pick it up, they will be more than happy to sell you a pint of ice cream and some sunscreen to go with it. Facebook, You Tube and My Space have found equitable ways to dedicate massive storage space to their customers without a single penny committed on behalf of the user. That's the cost of driving traffic to their respective sites to gleen advertising and marketing dollars in trade for personal information.
I used to work at a commercial printer that decided storing their clients’ plates and film from prior jobs was a material cost and an unrealized revenue stream. We sent notices out to all of our past customers demanding payment for storage space or we would purge the documents. The clients responded by demanding that these materials, for all intents and purposes technically and legally was theirs to keep, be couriered over to a new printer who did not charge for storage. Guess who paid for the courier? Guess who closed their doors a few short years later? Additionally, I worked for a professional photo agency that charged a subscription to professional photographers to store, keyword and market their photography. The operative word there was market. This was what we were really selling to the photographers, not the storage space. I should mention that this company failed as well. How? We failed by attempting to charge a premium for storage space.
Kodak is trying to bully it’s patrons into increasing sales volume in the interest of short term gain. This caption is on their website:
How our new storage policy works:
It’s long been our policy that Gallery customers make an annual purchase in exchange for unlimited photo storage and sharing; however, without a minimum defined purchase amount, some customers have ended up spending as little as 15¢. The result: Our loyal customers who regularly shop the Gallery have essentially been subsidizing those who don’t.

“Our loyal customers who regularly shop the Gallery have essentially been subsidizing those who don’t.” Now that really slaps on the guilt mustard. Who are these people, PBS? Can you imagine if Wal*Mart started demanding consumers that they shop at a Wal*Mart at least once a month or they will be denied access to their stores? I have never purchased anything from Neiman Marcus, yet they pay insurance companies millions of dollars to protect me as I peruse their unaffordables and paw through their unmentionables. They don’t seem to mind the physical space that I take up. Even if I am blocking T. Boone Pickens from his next pair of quail feathered briefs.
I am not begrudging Kodak for taking away my online photo storage. It’s a reality that there are literally hundreds of websites (Photobucket, Picasa, Flickr, Shutterfly to name a few) that will be happy to store my photos free of charge. This might be a desperate cash grab by Kodak as they may suffer the fate of my aforementioned companies. I’m not really sure. I don't know why companies are so short sided in their quest for ever heftier profits and why they continue to neglect to consider why they are in business in the first place. I guess when traditional advertising and customer service fails to generate moderate sales activity, these new age companies result to pathetic threats. Perhaps this speaks to our current economic demise. Did they stop and think about what benefit over all of these other photo sites they provide that has allowed them to retain those "loyal customers"? All I know is that I am no longer one of them.

Dallas; it ain't Frisco

I grew up in a small suburb in East Dallas. The neighborhood consists of mostly young couples and retirees that have stayed put for over 30 years. Most of the homes in my neighborhood were built in the 1950's. There is some historic charm to the area and close proximity to one of the few natural amenities that Dallas has to offer, White Rock Lake. We are close enough to enjoy the occasional random gun shot and riff-raff hullabaloo to keep things interesting. After living in several different cities, I have returned to raise my own family in a house located just a few blocks from where I grew up. I can still remember the sights, sounds and even smells of my childhood. There really is just a few words to appropriately sum it up; corn dogs, Christians with a little football on the side.
Dallas is concentrically situated with most of the inner urban development located inside an interstate beltway. Dallas is home to over 1.3 million people. There are many that say Dallas has no reason for existence except for the trains. Most of the land was once cow pasture and open prairie. Most of the trees in the city are non-indigenous. Inside the beltway one may find a more diverse population. This is what makes the inner city so fascinating. It serves as a cultural convergence of all these populations. The dynamic political landscape is interesting as well. Additionally, Dallas sustains one of the most diverse and prosperous middle classes in the country.
Outside the beltway the population is segregated with predominately brown in the East and West, black in the South, white in the North. These exurbs, filled with new money and corporate middle management, were virtually non existent 40 years ago. Woody Allen once once described Los Angeles as "a city whose only cultural advantage is being able to make a right turn on red." This is Frisco. Don't get me wrong. Frisco is not the only town that gets a rap for this kind of cultural vapidness. There are several sub-divided enclaves of safety and conformity one make seek refuge in. One only has to jump on a toll road and look for a corporate campus with a paid exit. It's commonly referred to as the 972 by locals. This is the area code for most of the suburbs north of 635. Oh, who am I kidding? I'll be there in a few years living in one of those subdivisions. It will probably be called "Prairie Vista, Vista de Rancho, Vista de Lago or Vista de Toll Road." Our house will be two blocks down from the Applebees and the Kohl's at the end of a corporate park. I'll be a middle age dad with frosted tips and canned tan driving a Chevy Avalanche, coaching little league soccer, wearing Crocs and Oakley's, living out of a Costco and doing cannon balls for the kids in the shared amenity pool.
People like their sports teams down here. There is a professional franchise in almost every sport imaginable and a fan base to support it. There is also a close tie to the bible belt. I have never seen so many churches. You can convert to six different denominations and get a Starbucks without ever leaving the same block. In the exurbs, such as Plano, the churches are ridiculous in square footage. There is a church in Plano that has it's own stadium. This is where God has box seats and Satan sits behind the goal post. I got a call from friend who wanted me to go to church with him. I asked where his seats were. He said UDGS-“upper deck general sinner. Oh, and its communion night for the first 500 fans." I think they have their own airport as well. In fact, mass baptisms are handled by a 747 that barnstorms a nearby lake. This church even has a smaller church inside of it. It even has it's own red light district. You can sin and confess without ever going outside.
Dallas is an intriguing place to come from, but no one seems to be traveling here. Ever ask anyone if they’ve been to Dallas? “I’ve been to the airport” Imagine how Oklahoma City feels? Oklahoma City looks oh so pretty…from 30,000 feet up. I had a friend from the West Coast tell me that he came through the airport in Dallas and said "Man, the women in Texas are beautiful." I would consider that a compliment if not for the fact that if they’re in an airport chances are they’re from somewhere else. Every time they televise a football game from here, they show the same 3 spots: Downtown at night, a long horn eating grass and the Fort Worth Stockyards. They should show some crank dealer in the parking lot at Dickie's in Mesquite. He’s got the take out cup filled to the brim with the free soft serve ice cream and it's slowly melting down across his axle grease covered hands and out on to his half lit Marlboro. He’s got 6 kids and a pit bull hanging out of a beat up Mercury.
I moved to Seattle for about 8 years and came back. Now there’s a cultural disparity. I'm just glad to be in a trafic jam not caused by a boat for a change. Also, For 8 years I never saw the sun. I've been back for 6 years and I’ve never seen a Democrat. But Dallas has changed a lot in past decade. I came back and had to ask someone what Frisco was? I thought it was Big Tex’s new sidekick. “Tune in next week as Big Tex and Frisco go after that no good horse wrangler, Sachse Sam". There are all these new suburbs now with different social pressures and one-up-isms. It used to be everyone was insecure about living in Dallas. Now the native inadequacy has segmented into different neighborhoods. There’s Uptown, M Streets...The Grove. There are two things one must observe when considering Pleasant Grove. It has no grove to speak of and pleasant is as far from an accurate description as one may ever guess. Uptown has a slogan: “Uptown, It ain't Downtown.” Uptown is a collective settlement of Frisco expatriates who have yet to spawn. Who’s the guy that came up with the name Uptown? Is this the same guy that came up with “Ball Park in Arlington?”
Oh, and one more thing. It does tend to get a little hot here in the summer.

Dallas Morning News Editorial

One hobby I entertain is mulling with the masses in daily editorial comments in the Dallas Morning News. For me, the editorial offerings are not a soap box so much as an opportunity to incite criticism from fellow posters and a anonymous platform for my chaotic cynicism. Moreover, this is a lazy opportunity to beef up up my blog. Here are a few of my favorites accompanied by corelating headline:
"Pilot injured after landing plane upside down"
(a pilot lands a small plane upside down on a golf course) Perhaps he was attempting a very low altitude barrel roll. Maybe he was confused and thought he had flown around the world and he was now in China where everything is upside down. Maybe he had the hiccups and was trying to swallow water upside down. Maybe he was trying to put the plane to sleep. Maybe when he was homebuilding his own aircraft he forgot to put tab A into slot B on the "aeronautical-rightside-upper-indicator". Maybe he was a golf terrorist. Maybe he was in a high stakes game of aero-limbo. Maybe he was drunk and really believes that this was a 2 point landing. Maybe he was trying to take the off ramp to the Highway to the Dangerzone and ended up on a loop. Maybe his compass was stuck on up. Maybe he was trying out his new rooftop landing gear he just installed. Maybe he's colorblind and sees the color green as blue. Maybe he owed more on his bank loan than the plane was worth and he got upsidedown on the payments. Maybe he was doing the Maverick thing and he was flipping the bird to a MIG and got stuck. Maybe he was trying to get some change out his pocket for the toll booth. Maybe he has never had a flying lesson in his life and wanted to experience what people meant by the saying "just winging it". WE JUST DON'T KNOW!
"Texas family sues after father mistakenly cremated"
(a man's body is switched with a womans body and mistakenly creamated) What a kooky conundrum rife with buffoonery, silliness and guffaw. What they should have done was watched Weekend at Bernie’s II and added a Tootsie twist. They should have dressed the woman up to look like the man, put some funny sunglasses on her and draw a mustache with a black sharpie. There could be a whole subplot about how her life was spent as a woman trapped inside a man’s body and she comes back to life as a man. The family comes to accept her as the new dad and she opens a sports bar in Tulsa. All-in-all a comic tour de farce filled with mischief, mayhem and endearing fun. One the whole family will enjoy. Gary Cogill gives it 2 thumbs up! I’m not sure if it would resolve the mix up, but it sure would make a hilarious movie rental for the weekend. Why they had to go and fess up is beyond me.
"Official: Navy talking to pirates holding hostage"
The following list of the pirate's demands has just been released by the associated press:
1. 500 gold doubloons
2. 1 chatty parrot that can sing a Spanish sea shanty
3. 40 barrels of spiced rum
4. 1 Jimmy Buffet tee shirt and tickets to his concert at the Somalia State Fair Grounds
5. 1 treasure map
6. 1 pair of hoop earrings
7. 1 free dinner with Orlando Bloom at the Carlos-N Charlie’s in Yemen
8. 30 free appetizers from Joe’s Crab Shack
9. 1 free iTunes download of Christopher Cross’s sailing
10. He wants to talk to PFC George Stickel, “GEORGE, I’M A FISH!”
"Texas county apologizes to 'dead voters'"
(County voting officials poll senior citizens to see if they are still alive) It’s a travesty that the reporter does not convey the whole story. What they failed to mention was that the letter was mailed certified via courier. As a practical joke, the courier dresses in a long black hooded cloak and carried a wheat sheath. That’s just not funny. What is funny is that one of the recipients was named Chad. They found him hanging in his living room and promptly crossed him of the registered list. We all know what havoc a hanging Chad can wreak on an election.
"Mexican bricks blamed for crumbling North Texas homes"
Let's not discount the entire Mexican manufacturing industry based on a few bad products. The term 'Mexican' carries a denotation of poor craftmanship due to tired stereotypes. There are a few quality products that are manufactured in Mexico that are exemplary. Products such as: panchos, blankets, Corona, Dos Equis,Tequila, switchblades, bull whips, firecrackers, sombreros, chimeneas, aztec water pipes, friendship bracelets and Canels gum
"10 kids drink windshield wiper fluid at day care"
I think the take-home message is not to have these products in the kitchen or where you're doing any kind of food preparation," she said. This is true. This rule of thumb can also be applied to:
1: Not storing ammonia in a lemon juice bottle
2: Not storing razor blades in the cereal
3: Not storing sulphuric acid in visine bottles
4: Not storing a chainsaw in a toy box
5: Not storing gasoline in apple juice bottles...to name a few.
"Dallas officials admit siren mistake"
(a civil defense alarm is accidently triggered at 11:00 at night) I am outraged that this city employee wasted my precious time. I don't think the City of Dallas recognizes just how precious my time is. I don't have time to waste being falsely alerted at 11:00 at night, not anymore than I have right as this very minute. That's 2 minutes of my life I can never get back from the City of Dallas. In my opinion, this is time taken away from me and all of my colleagues here on WFAA's website who are taking time out of their busy day to volunteer worthless editorial comment.
"Obama calls for swift action on economy"
At this point, why don't we make it a Gazillion? If America goes bankrupt, are we going to move back in with England? Will they let us? I know China won't. We could crash over at Japan's house. They have all the cool video games. We can always crash over at France's pad. He's passed out asleep on the couch. We can't stay with Canada. They're always worried we're gonna break something. Mexico has a cool pool, but they don't have anything in the fridge. Maybe we can all squeeze in to California and live happily ever after.
"Bishop Arts success to be stretched down Davis"
Nevermind the racial division that will become underscored by the rezoning of Davis Street! Forget about the clash of different economic social strata! What about the plight of the urban fat person. We are always marginalized by these chic, upscale developments with their tiny parking spaces and guilt invoking health clubs and pretty people. Do you think a place like Bishop Arts caters to patrons with beer guts and bus bumpers? They are slowly squeezing out the taquerias, Furrs Cafeterias, Whataburgers and Braums. It's as if the only safe place for fat people to spend an evening out is Arlington @ I-20 and Cooper. We are wide and we need all of the space we can get. Pretty soon we will be pushed outside in the heat with the smokers. They don't want a patio full of sweaty fat bottoms and one-lungers. It's just not fair. Oooh, that got me thinking of the Fair. I can't wait for those corny dogs to come back around.
"Coach fired, says he's not sorry for 100-0 win"
I think the winning team should have their shoes taken away from them and the losing team should be made to feel ashamed and their coach should have to play a game by himself for twenty minutes in front of a bunch of retired textile workers and then they should get all the parents together in one room and turn the lights out and them flip them back on suddenly to see who's making out. The referee should be asked to go wait in his car with the windows rolled up. All the teachers at the Academy should be fined $25 and they should release a scared animal into the gynasium and everyone in the audience should hit cans and bottles real loud to scare it. Then everyone will forget what happened and they can pick up their coats on the way out and go home and watch "Ice Truckers".
"Tree branch bandit arrested in FW"
I'm glad they have finally apprehended this "shady" "nut" job and brought him to justice. "Knock on wood" this doesn't happen in our neighborhood. I know he's been "pining" to rob the Chase "branch" near my house on "Elm" street. They should "cane" him if you ask me. In Saudia Arabia they would take his "limb" for such a crime. I just hope the police don't just "brush" this off and "stick" it to him. I "wood" bet that he will "hedge" his bets with the prosecution will get "Bush" to pardon him since he is a "Fir"-st time offender. I bet he comes from a long family "tree" of "crooks".
"Obama pledges not to smoke in White House"
That's right, there are strict policies regarding tobacco use in the White House. Smoking cigarettes is strictly prohibited. Only cigars are allowed in the oval office and even those are not allowed to be lit, inhaled or ingested orally.
"Foreclosure hits home of Duncanville's Cherry Pit swingers club"
5 bedroom rustic rambler with down home country charm. Master bedroom features iron maiden and whipping post. Brass poles throughout. Slip-n-slide staircase leads to spacious kitchen featuring refrigerator with whip cream dispenser. Wall-to-wall orange shag carpet and floor to ceiling mirrors in the living room. There's a hot tub in the kids rooms and sex dungeon that can be converted into a play area. Motivated seller!!!
"Seventh graders face felonies for arson"
I think they ought to make these boys come and rake the leaves out of my yard. After that, they should make them clean my rain gutter and mow. Then, they need to show them respect for personal property by making them paint my house, clean out my garage and reshingle my roof. They might as well wash my car while they are at it. That will teach those selfish brats to think of someone else besides themselves.
"North Texans turn to wood to heat their homes"
Here's a few other money saving tips during the depression: home dentistry, salt cured cat, dog or squirrel (tastes just like chicken), plywood curtains, cinder block furniture, wire spool end tables, bologna steaks, recycled tooth paste, pig foot stew and soups cans for stocking stuffers. Here's another energy saving tip: Warsh yer dishes in the tub when you get out every week. We usually save the pots and pans for Saturday's bath. Last week, we found some burnt beans and I weren't sure if those came from the dishes or the bath. You can also use road flares for candles. We burn squirrel tails to keep the chiggers out the bed sheets. I use my grill and fill it up with charcoal. We light it up every night and it warms the whole living room. You may want to open a window or two. It can make your whole house smell like burnt hamburgers. I come home from work already smelling like burnt hamburgers so that's the last thing I want to smell. We usually run the gas stove with the door open to help keep the odor down. Plus the oven light helps us see through all the smoke. I sleep so well at night. My house is toasty and I fast asleep the second my head hits my pillow.
"Britney Spears to embark on `Circus' tour in March"
Gee, I hope she makes a spectacular comeback. We dearly miss her wreckless antics. In these dire times of want, fear and confusion, it's comforting to see a hedonist, narcissistic train wreck devoid of any talent work through her emotional baggage by blowing thousands of dollars a day on handbags, frivilous child custody precedings and alchohol. We need her during these desperate times to remind us what's really important. I just hope the world is watching.
"Detective tracks down missing dogs"
I remember a Beagle named Pockets we had when I was a child. One day, Pockets got out and we couldn't find him. We looked everywhere. We hung flyers up all over the neighborhood and waited for a phone call or a knock at the door. Unfortunately, that day never came. One morning we got up to go to the church rummage sale to try to rid ourselves of Pockets memory,We were taking his leash, his food bowl and his collar to donate. We found Pockets in the back seat of the car. The windows were rolled up and it was the middle of August. Pockets had fried to death. He dehydrated into a dry husk like a petrified locust. It took years to get that smell out of the car. Then we sold the car to an Indian family in Richardson. They didn't have a dog.
Pizza Hut slicing jobs at Dallas HQ
Pizza Hut Slicing Jobs (pardon the pun)With the economy growing "crusty" and more people are feeling "burnt" by the bailout, Pizza Hut has elected to "cut the cheese" from their budget and "roll" up their sleeves. Many of their workers will see the "hot fresh delivery" of a pink slip and will be "hand tossed" out the door. As we peel the layers off this "onion" of a story, there is more "meat" than we originally reported.

Adieu Jupiterimages

Jupitermedia finalizes sale of Jupiterimages to Getty Images and changes name to WebMediaBrands

Adieu Jupiterimages, Adieu. The nightmare is finally over. We are free, free at last. It’s a depressing exercise in futility to reflect on the time wasted in our endeavors in this company. All those lost souls dialing fax numbers, dead phone numbers, public museums and prerecorded messages like the Movie Line; all of those useless client profiles consisting of cut-n-paste content from old notes, client websites and Adbase; all the superfluous data generated, transmitted, saved and deleted through spreadsheets, PDF’s, Word Docs and PowerPoint (more useless information than J. Edgar Hoover accumulated during the cold war); all of those afternoons on speaker phone enduring monotonous conference calls and brainless questions from morons who cannot read two points forward in a canned presentation or those who enjoy hearing themselves ask questions; all of those wasted hours repeating the same information over and over, day in day out, month after month, quarter after quarter, year after year; all the time spent strategizing over lost market share in a dying customer base complaining about the same competitor; all of those poor clients who received thousands of worthless and ill planned sales calls, time wasting web demos rife with technical difficulty and landfill volumes of irrelevant, dated marketing materials and swag; all of the false enthusiasm about yet another collection of non stellar lifestyle imagery that sat on the shelf like a can of expired sardines in an orange marmalade compote; all of those hours spent parked outside of a clients office, a lobby, a bagel shop or at the airport renegotiating an appointment that was set before Christmas and took a week to plan that got suddenly cancelled due to a sick cat; all of the unexpected drop offs/drop bys/stop bys/ stop overs/ swing bys/ drive bys/ pop ins/ hellos/ goodbyes; all the weeks spent planning, rescheduling, pulling resources, shipping supplies, trips back and forth across parking lots and corporate campuses lugging heavy sacks filled with notepads, pens, squishes and brochures, business cards, folders, food and sending invites, E-vites, follow ups and reminders for a 2 minute meeting that ends up taking place in a lobby or on the way to the elevator; all of those conference rooms booked half empty on a hope and a prayer that two accounts receivable personnel and a receptionist might come by to fill up on overpriced pastries, cookies, doughnuts, muffins, bagels, breakfast tacos, candy, brownies and bland deli sandwiches; all of those mind-numbing campus tours of corporate clients as you feign interest at yet another sea of cubicals, conference rooms and quasi post modernistic corporate architecture making such ridiculous statements like “Wow!” and “when was this annex built?” and “where did you say you keep the fax machine?”; all of those plane trips, bad road meals at some cliché restaurant by the mall/interstate/airport, continental breakfasts, embarrassingly modest corporate hotel accommodations with slow internet connections, soft water and late wake up calls, cost conscience rental cars with as much leg room as tricycle with a flat tire and concealed airport bar tabs; all of those empty happy hours, unattended breakfast web demos and awkward client lunches with prospects that carry as much decision making authority as a summer intern that result in as much business activity that hardly covers the tip; all of those ill advised training sessions, consultations, proposals, best practice assessments and contracts; all of the half concocted tales of grand business opportunities, future alliances with Fortune 500’s, potential cash windfalls and client success stories that would bear as much fruit as a pot hole in a Home Depot parking lot only to claim a last minute catastrophe to justify sandbagging an entire quarter so you can take a vacation. All of this for pretty background pictures that you can now buy for 99 cents. Adieu Jupiterimages. You are gone but not forgotten.

Brainwash Rant (Consideration of freedom of speech in advertising)

I am glad that you media lemmings are above the influence of marketers that produce these harmless images, copy or sound and they have never influenced YOUR purchasing behavior or self perception. It’s good to look around this crumbling economy and superficial wasteland of overstretched credit limits and material gluttony and see that everyone is above the influence and sway of a multi-billion dollar marketing and advertising industry. Moreover, it’s brilliant that you are so resolved that your children are so well adjusted and grounded from the 18 hours a day that you spend with them teaching them that their peers, mentors, educational institutions and social constructs have got it all wrong and they should just feel good about what’s inside and live above the influence. They are completely responsible for their own media conscience despite these companies that utilize an army of Wharton graduates with million dollar salaries to devise weapons of communication to capitalize on every insecurity, mundane taboo and societal need. Our children can disseminate what’s real and what’s fantasy and call upon their own moral fortitude and sense of self respect to see this ad for what it really is, right? After all, despite the evil mortgage brokers, deceptive banks and crooked real estate agents we adults can tell if we can really afford a mortgage, right? It’s just an ad, right? You don’t HAVE to look at it. Everyone is responsible for themselves, right?

Pirated Luby's On Hold Message

I recently pirated a script for a Luby's On Hold message from one of my clients and took the liberty to edit the text:

Luby’s Holiday Hold Message

(Imagine the gruff voice of the old man from Whataburger)


Thank you for calling Luby’s Holiday Call Center. We are currently experiencing a high call volume. Please wait for the next available Luby’s representative. Or go online now and place your order right away at lubys.com.

If you don’t want to host a holiday gathering at your home or if you have a few extra hundred dollars lying around and the casinos have cut you off or you’re the loneliest old person on earth, come to Luby’s on Thanksgiving Day. We’ll be serving up a full feast with all the fixin’s. And we’d be happy to have you join us (and the other 500 losers who smell like sick cats and old newspapers).

We’re sure our holiday menu will delight everyone this season. We'll be serving straight from our industrial sized tubs into to your belly. To help you with your holiday order, here’s a quick rundown of our holiday feast selections:

First, the Luby’s Signature Feast features your choice of a whole turkey—roasted, smoked, frosted or deep-fried—or a spiral-sliced ham butt from Hogzilla for 1 to 2 large country people in forgiving overalls. Pile on two quarts of cornbread dressing, one above-the-ground pool of giblet gravy, one gallon of cranberry sauce, and for dessert, one pumpkin pie and (we stress the word and here) one of Luby’s famous pecan pies. Plus a trash bag full of poultry parts from miscellaneous processing facilities around the country, all-you-can-eat banana pudding (VOID in Nebraska), one bath tub of macaroni and cheese with pork feet parts in it, a lawn & leaf bag full of Funions™, a two gallon can of bacon renderings, a couch size loaf of corn bread and 30 sleeves of Keebler’s Deluxe Grahams as an après dessert!

Our next package is perfect for families who love both turkey and spiral-sliced ham during the holidays but are too cheap to flip the bill for the Signature Feast. We call these our tier two patrons. Our Combination Feast (or the “2nd rate deal”) features enough spiral-sliced ham and roasted turkey breast for 10 to 12 people (sliced sparingly and Jesus is dining with you and those people are from 3rd world countries without access to whole milk) and also includes two quarts of cornbread dressing, one pint of giblet gravy, one pint of cranberry sauce, and for dessert, one pumpkin pie with a bite taken out of it or (we stress the word or here) one of Luby’s famous pecan pies with all the pecans picked off the crust.

For those who prefer prime rib, the Luby’s Premium Feast is roasted prime rib for 10, along with two quarts of homemade mashed potatoes and fresh green beans. Plus sautéed mushrooms, au jus gravy, one dozen Luby’s dinner rolls, and one strawberry cheesecake. This package is specifically designed for those annoying dysfunctional families who have to celebrate every holiday non-traditionally. They have those ugly houses that look like post modern office complexes with crappy formalist art in the yard. They go to the movies instead of celebrating Christmas or Chanukah and they turn their porch light off at Halloween, bastards!

And last, for the smaller gathering of 1 to 2 people, our Select Feast (obviously you were not "selected" to be on anybody's guest list) features your choice of roasted turkey breast or spiral-sliced ham, and includes cornbread dressing, giblet gravy, cranberry sauce, and one pumpkin pie or Luby’s famous pecan pie and a Dr. Phil’s self help book to assist you in overcoming what ever personality defects you posses that would cause no one to want to be around you during the holidays. You are an asshole.

Don’t forget, our holiday menu also features many a la carte selections, from whole turkeys and spiral-sliced hams, to quarts of festive sides and pounds of sliced meats, to our mouth-watering whole desserts. When planning your holiday meal, please keep in mind that quarts of holiday sides serve 5 to 6 people and a pound of sliced meat serves 2 to 3 people and also keep in mind that these portions were devised by an American company and that America currently leads the rest of the world in heart disease, obesity, diabetes and all around general self loathing. And for Luby’s delicious whole desserts, such as our famous pecan pie or carrot cake cheesecake, pies serve between 6 to 8 people and cakes serve 1-2 lonely secretaries or drunken industrial lubricant salesmen staying at the Comfort Inn.